Day of Gratitude

For a few months now we've been planning this Day of Gratitude, and now that we're a few days away I feel mixed emotions about our timing.

(Before I delve into my feelings I should say that I'm pretty sure that everyone who still reads my blog received our email invite to this group fast that we organized; HOWEVER, if you didn't get an email, and you're seeing this before Sunday, June 7 let me know. I can still send an email invite.)

The last few months and especially the last couple weeks have been a rollercoaster! We have family who have experienced the debilitating effects of COVID-19. We have had countless conversations about misinformation and confusion. We have watched our local news as downtown Seattle was in the midst of race riots and felt the anger and fear of those interviewed. At the same time, we have been daily reminded of blessings. We wanted to gather friends and family together this Sunday to focus on something good and be prayerful. We're particularly grateful to be experiencing miracles in our lives and felt like during these restricted times the best way to celebrate with family and friends was to be emotionally and spiritually united for a day.

Yet, it felt so insensitive to send the invitation on Sunday when so many people are in a bad place physically and emotionally, feeling overwhelmed with grief. The opposition in my mind was telling me that this invitation would sound like, "Oh, I know you're angry and confused, but try to be optimistic" or "Even though you're hurting, be happy for me." Sincerely, I hope our group fast doesn't come across as lacking empathy. We have and will continue to mourn with those that mourn. Our prayers on Sunday will be in gratitude for our tender mercies, on top of our requests for individual and worldwide action and understanding during this time.

Consider yourself invited to join us in a day of fasting and prayer this coming Sunday. Participate however you feel most comfortable - whether that's diving head first into the full experience or just taking a moment to be mindful on that day. We'd love to know if you participate, as it has been reassuring to know that so many friends and family are being prayerful with us on the same day.

1 Nephi 15:7-9,11

This year members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are reading the Book of Mormon together. As in, each week members are given the same set of chapters to read from the Book of Mormon, starting at the beginning and going through the end. If you'd like to follow along, you can look up today's date using this link and see what chapters we're reading during the week.  Typically, Scott and I like to read chapters together on Sunday, and then finish reading or discussing our thoughts during the rest of the week.

I didn't realized how passionate I was about this particular set of scriptures until I started sharing my thoughts about them to my family. In 1 Nephi 15:7-9, Nephi (the author of these chapters in the Book of Mormon) is speaking with his older brothers about a vision that their father Lehi had seen. Nephi's brothers were confused about the interpretation of the vision and mentioned their confusion to Nephi (who speaks in the first person in these verses).

7 And they said: Behold, we cannot understand the words which our father hath spoken concerning the natural branches of the olive tree, and also concerning the Gentiles.

8 And I said unto them: Have ye inquired of the Lord?

9 And they said unto me: We have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.

*Inserting my commentary again... Before I go deep on my soapbox, I'll just preface my longwinded-ness to say that your personal spirituality/ relationship with God/ testimony of truth takes work. There's no getting around the work part if you truly want your own spiritual life. If you're ambivalent about making an effort, then you may continue to be dependent on others' insights for spiritual progression. That's the summary... here comes the depth.

Recently I finished a book about goal setting called Atomic Habits by James Clear. I bring up this book so often now in conversations because the principles of habits are genius, and apparently the concepts even come to mind when I read the scriptures. In the beginning of this book about establishing habits, the author talks about how you need to see yourself already as being what you want to become. For example, if you want to quit smoking, you need to start referring to yourself as a non-smoker because that mentality will give you motivation to not smoke.

A brief explanation, but applying that concept here, if you want to be a more independent spiritual thinker, then you need to refer to yourself as a scriptorian or spiritual person and start acting like that persona and building habits like a spiritual person would build. In the above verses, Nephi's older brothers did not see themselves as people who receive personal revelation or spiritual confirmations, and already that mentality is going to make it harder for them to be open and prepared to receive the personal spiritual insights that Heavenly Father wants to give them.

Here's the thing, I believe that all people living on this Earth are spirit children of God, and thus have the right to hear from Him, to receive direction and answers. That message may not come in a vision or an audible voice. It usually doesn't. Most of the time, I feel a spiritual confirmation of a truth I hadn't previously understood, and that comes after I ponder, study, pray, and discuss.

Nephi outlines this process for his brothers in a subsequent verse:

11 Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you.

This is a topic that I could discuss for awhile, but I won't write too much more here because that would be boring.

Last words on this topic for now: See yourself as a spiritual being who can receive personal direction from God! Set yourself up for success by creating habits that encourage revelation (study, ponder, ask, pray, listen).

If you already see yourself as a spiritual person, the best thing you can do for someone who is trying to be more spiritual is to ask him/her questions and encourage studying it out for themselves. From personal experience I can say, that telling someone the answer that you received will either provide no relief or only temporary strength. The Holy Spirit teaches us on an individual curriculum that makes sense for what we are experiencing in life, and that person you're "helping" can only sustain their spirituality through the work it takes to listen to their own curriculum.

*Soapbox exit... unless you get me started again, an opportunity which I would be happy to oblige in person. 

Ether 12:27

I have gotten into an awful habit of unintentionally complaining. When I was mindful enough to notice, I might catch myself complaining about other people not meeting my expectations. It is also not uncommon for me to complain about not being able to get on top of my health or whatever new trail I am facing - how I'm trying to be proactive and make good choices but instead feel like I've taken two steps back. Not difficult to complain about that frustration! This habit is so bad that I can be found complaining about what I anticipate may happen even before I give people a chance to do something different.

My bad habits started to come to light in several ways. As I was reading a couple books (The Happiness Project and The Power of The Other) I observed that while teaching concepts of improving happiness and leadership, these authors also focused on an opposite perspective of pessimism and listed some negative characteristics that I had just become aware of having. I began to wonder if my negative tendencies were disrupting my happiness, and maybe even more importantly, the happiness of those around me. Then one day, my husband was acting funny - apologizing for things he didn't need to apologize for and acting like he was putting me out, so to speak. These little seeds of doubt were annoying, honestly, and I called him out on it. Then later when I sat to think about this strange behavior of his, I connected some dots and realized that he was probably trying to compensate for my timely pessimism.

A couple weeks ago, as Scott and I studied the Come Follow Me lesson for that week, the lesson suggested we could read a talk to ponder more about Mary and Martha. It was in reading this talk that I could finally put a name to this weakness, a spiritual muscle of mine that had atrophied - charity.

It seriously seems like all signs have been pointing with a neon outline to my weakness lately. All these promptings reminded me of a scripture in the Book of Mormon. In the book of Ether, Moroni receives some instruction from the Lord that teaches that character weakness is an essential part of life, and could even be considered a gift from God, to help us choose humility and look to Him. These innate, or potentially acquired, weaknesses also give us opportunities to become better, more Christlike (a.k.a repentance), to demonstrate faith, and grow in spiritual maturity.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

The best comparison I've heard with this scripture came from a local mental health professional a few months ago in church. He quoted this scripture and said these weaknesses we have are like big boulders in our lives, and all that Heavenly Father asks of us is to push on it a little every day. The boulder may move an inch or a mile over our lifetimes, or potentially not move at all. But if we consistently push every day (maybe some days just lay next to the boulders when we are too weak to push), over time we will become physically or mentally stronger because of the exercise.

Over the next few months I'm going to workout my charity muscle and make charity the focus of my personal study. Maybe I'll even keep a journal of my experiments implementing what I learn, so I can recognize patterns and attempt to turn around these bad habits and be kinder to family, friends, strangers, and even myself.

Luke 11:5-9

This last weekend we listened to General Conference on our TV on Saturday and Sunday. (For those who aren't familiar with what General Conference is in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, here is a link where you can learn more about it.) As I was listening to Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk, I realized that even though my idea for a scripture sharing social site has been held-up, the basic idea didn't have to wait. I could try to recreate the most important element using this blog space. So from time to time, I plan to post some of my thoughts as I study the scriptures and try to apply them to my life. Then I am creating a new page in the header of my blog that I can share with others showing a compilation of how I try to study the scriptures and what they mean to me.

...

In Luke, after he gives an account of the Savior teaching the Lord's prayer, Luke also includes an interesting parable that amounts to verses 5-9 in Chapter 11. I don't remember ever having read this parable before, but it struck me as odd when I was studying this chapter recently.

The story is of a man who asks a friend to provide the ingredients needed for breakfast, as an unexpected visitor has arrived that night. Okay, sounds like prayer. As I was casually reading through these verses, the part that caught me off guard and caused me to read through the entire parable more closely was this verse:

8 I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth.

At first I was thinking, "Wait! That doesn't sound like my understanding of the character of God. Doesn't He consider us to be friends when we come to Him in prayer?"

But then I went back and read all the details. This man knocked on "his friend's" door, AT MIDNIGHT, while the rest of the house was clearly asleep, because this man WASN'T PREPARED. Seriously?! I would be questioning the friendship too, in that case.

Sure, I have a couple friends who despite how often we talk or how much time we spend together, if they called me in the middle of the night to ask for an emergency favor, I would run to their aid because of my love for them... not to mention that I know they would only ever call me in the middle of the night if it was an emergency. However, if I had a friend like the man in this parable, who took advantage of our friendship and crossed some boundaries, I too would only consider helping if he was too darn persistent that my best option was to give in just to get him to stop.

This parable made me reevaluate how I am using prayer. Am I working to study out and solve my own problems before going to the Lord? Or even better, am I prepared enough to go to the Lord for advice well in advance of my problem due dates? Am I the kind of friend with God that we have an established relationship of love and mutual respect based on many previous conversations and reciprocating help? Or am I frequently bumming off His good graces?

Note to self: Try being a better friend with Heavenly Father.

I love how reading the scriptures and listening to General Conference cause me to ponder on my areas of weakness and commit to improve.

Joy To The World

The end of the year and Christmas have been a time of personal reflection for me. There are usually events (like my upcoming birthday, Christmas, or New Year's resolutions) where I consider how my year went - with life in general, changes that year and how I handled them, and gauging any growth in faith throughout the year.

This has been an interesting year. Scott and I have had fantastic travels and milestone successes. An overwhelming workload in my world has left me feeling like my IQ dropped significantly (and I'm hoping temporarily) under stress and left me questioning career options. This year also led us to possibly the first place that both Scott & I have felt at home, and we're now trying to find ways to make that feeling potentially more permanent. Needless to say, lately I have felt like I could use a little more joy and peace in my life, which I guess is good timing for the Christmas season and this message from Elder Bednar.

My heart hurt this weekend when I heard of a sad event that occurred last week on BYU's campus, and hearing Elder Bednar address this specifically in his devotional was calming. His reminder that service and joy are intertwined was also a helpful reminder.



I hope that you also find joy during this Christmas season and into the new year.

Merry Christmas!

No Other Way

Last year, around this time, I had a series of appointments with a gastroenterologist. Though I had few Crohn's symptoms, I knew that underlying inflammation was potentially my only other explanation for recurrent miscarriages since all other tests had come back normal. During one visit my GI told me something I didn't want to hear - that because my disease manifests with stricturing, it is classified as moderate to severe. To say that I was not happy to receive this categorization is an understatement. I've never had other severe Crohn's symptoms, but as a "severe" Crohnie I was left with only one standard treatment option (an option that isn't without it's risks).

Around the same time that I received this news from the GI,  I attended a stake conference at church and heard from a stake presidency member who was moving and being released from his calling. As he spoke to the congregation, he relayed the story of his family's decision to move. Among the choices they had, there wasn't an obvious right answer. So they went to the temple. After attending the temple and hearing the words of the ordinances there, they felt like there was no other way for them to get through this trial except to make a difficult choice. As he described the peace that eventually came after the decision was made, I felt an impression that there was no other way for me either. 

{insert wailing emoji}

It wasn't a peaceful revelation, like I'm used to feeling. I cried, and subsequent prayers didn't lead to a reassuring confirmation that I should start this new treatment.

Upset at being cornered without options and feeling like I hadn't been heard, I stopped seeing that GI in Wisconsin (not the most mature move on my part) and begged my primary care to help me find other treatments. While my PC helped me find other options that lessened my already low symptoms, I continued to experience infertility and lab results reveled that inflammation was still present in my gut.

Beacon Rock and our emotions at the summit

Which brings me to today. Today I start that new risky treatment. 

New home. New doc who I trust... but who gave me the same categorization and singular treatment option as before. 

Of course, my memory of the stake conference impression emerged. I'm devastated by my lack of options, the presence of risk and the potential for a lifetime of infusions or injections.
But...
 surprisingly I feel like I'm at a place now where I'm able to move forward with this plan. I can't say now whether this is the only way for me to overcome inflammation and potentially stay pregnant, or if I need to step through this option in order to find others; but I'm trying to trust that God hears my concerns and is going to lead me to the next, better step, whatever that may be.

i heart Chris Pratt

If Chris Pratt is involved in a show or movie, there's a very good chance I'll watch it.

So when I saw on Facebook last week that he had won the 2018 MTV Generational Award (which apparently is similar to a lifetime achievement award) and given an acceptance speech, of course I watched the clip. His words were so much wiser and relevant than I expected them to be. No offense, Chris Pratt. I just assumed you would say something funny, which you did, but then you had a platform and you used it to help individuals. I'm sorry I underestimated you.

I hope everyone in that audience, not to mention the millions of kids and adults that will watch this speech, will take his message to heart.




Just two highlights:

#3 of 9 Rules from Chris Pratt
Don't be a turd. If you're strong, be a protector and if you're smart, be a humble influencer. Strength and intelligence are weapons, and do not weild them against the weak. That makes you a bully. Be bigger than that.

#6 of 9 Rules from Chris Pratt
God is real. God loves you. God wants the best for you. Believe that. I do.

Coder Needed

Earlier this year, I was sitting reading a conference talk when an idea for an LDS social media site started formulating in my mind. Of course, I've been running with it - writing out ideas, brief marketing notes, SWOT, and I even jotted down a few names from my network that came to mind who could help direct me.

Now, I've had ideas in the past that have fizzled out in my mind over time. I started writing a poem which I thought would make a lovely children's book. After learning to play Betrayal at House on the Hill, I started sketching up designs for a cooperative style game that I thought Scott would love. Each of these stellar ideas sits in draft form in a notebook of mine, but overtime I became less excited about making them happen.

Not the case with my social media site. On the daily I'm fleshing out the site in my mind and wondering how to move the project forward. After several conversations with friends, and friends of friends, I have a basic wireframe of what the site would look like and offers to help with graphic design when that time comes. But the biggest piece that is still outstanding, is code.

Building a social media site is way more complex than building a website. Basic HTML and CSS are my friend, but they aren't going to build me a network. How do you solve a problem like finding the perfect coder friend?

No, really, I'm asking.

Ideally I need to find someone who is proficient in JavaScript, React, Angular, ember, and other languages. Developers are in high demand, and thus can get paid whatever they want. This is not that kind of project, at least not today. It's in my spare time, after working a full-time job, that I'm letting my creative brain toggle this idea. With the potential to be somewhat complex, the ideal developer is likely someone with a couple years of coding under their belt, who would be interested in the experience of being a recognized contributor to the beginning of this project. All other aspects are negotiable, I'm sure.

Too optimistic?

Several conversations later, I'm still looking for potential coders and even contemplating a boot camp myself to jumpstart a beta site. Still more conversations in the works, so we'll see.

Embrace the Plan

The annual general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is coming up this weekend. In preparation for that conference, Scott and I have been listening and reading the last general conference talks together. On Monday, we were listening to a general conference talk while working on a really difficult 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle at the kitchen table. I asked him if he had any questions that he was approaching this upcoming conference with in mind. He didn't have any. I'm not sure if that's something he normally does, but I like to have a couple questions in mind because it gives focus and meaning to talks when they sometimes wouldn't feel as applicable if I was only listening on the surface.

On Monday when we were puzzling, I actually hadn't written down any questions. There are so many issues running through my mind, I wasn't sure if I should jot any of them down as questions for conference. They were probably too specific, I told myself. But, I figured, why not? I'll just jot down everything I'm worried about and see if I get any inspiration for those things. I wrote down EIGHT questions! I guess I had more to ask than I thought.

Then this BYU Devotional came up on my YouTube subscriptions. I'll admit that I don't always listen to the devotionals when they come up in my notifications. In fact, to make it worse I usually will judge a devotional based on the title. But Elder Clark was President of BYU-Idaho my last year attending school. So I had to give him a listen, and I'm SO glad I did, because I felt like he said something that touched most, if not all of my questions that I had written down for conference.


His address is geared towards college students, so his crucibles of choice didn't seem entirely relevant on the surface. But because I had been pondering these questions, the words he spoke provided hope and revelation for problems I was tossing about in my mind. I hope something he said can do the same for you.

Or you could always watch General Conference this weekend and find answers there too.

Charitable Thoughts

In church today, a women who was speaking in Sacrament Meeting talked of caring for the poor and needy. Though I know it wasn't the speaker's intention, just saying that phrase, "poor and needy" brought to my mind the image of a ladies club straight out of The Help - sitting around, feeling superior, devising plans that they believe will best solve the needs of whoever is below them. As someone who works in the non-profit world, though I'm very familiar with the idea of caring for under-served populations, I felt a little wake up call that I need to do a better job of seeing people as persons, rather than a label or project to fix per my specifications.

It reminded me of a March Madness State Farm Neighborhood of Good commercial that has been playing frequently during timeouts. It may just be me, living in the world of charities, but I've been feeling lately what this ad portrays - having the needs of more groups come to my attention, stick with me throughout my week, and wishing I could do more to make a difference in the world.

The ad's closing statement, "Let's turn caring into doing" is what brought it back to my memory during church today. Though, I was thinking about more of the opposite effect- turning charity back into caring - not just about caring about a cause, but caring about individuals, their feelings, and asking what they need.

Faith and living my religion is an important part of my life. I turn to faith and religious values to guide my decisions, priorities, and relationships. I seek spiritual guidance when struggling through difficult times. I believe that there is a God, and that He cares about the choices I make and wants me to be happy in life and return to His presence some day. I go to church to strengthen my relationship with God, to try to get to know Him better. Because I feel that as I understand more of what God is like, I am able to make more sense of what's going on around me. I love that attending church also helps bring to light my weaknesses, as I hear the prepared talks and lessons and take time to consider how I can implement those principles to become a better me.

If you are interested in learning more about the church I attend and you happen to live in the area, our congregation is having a specific visitor's oriented meeting on Sunday, March 26. When I say visitor-oriented, I should clarify that visitor's are welcome every Sunday, but the messages shared next Sunday will be geared to anyone who doesn't know a lot about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We don't collect donations and there's no baptismal font at the door that we dunk you in before you can come and worship with us. You're welcome to come sit in the pew with Scott and I (he actually has the day off that day!) as you casually observe a Mormon Sunday. If you don't live in the area or can't come but you have a question, send me a message.

A friend reminded me this month that I have a history of being awkward sometimes in sharing about my faith. Sorry about that! I have a hard time separating talking about my religion as part of what makes me who I am and just the factual "this is what we believe" part. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my awkwardness, next time I'll try to be casually helpful. Pinky promise.

Encouraging Faith Experiments

Last week we had an event at church called New Beginnings for the Young Women aged 12-18, as well as those little ladies who would be turning 12 in the coming year. During this event, current Young Women members introduced what the program entails for anyone who might not be familiar with what we do. For our congregation, there happens to be only one girl turning 12 this year, but that's still worth throwing a party.

Right now, my calling in church is with the Young Women, so I played a role in choosing the theme of our New Beginnings night. As I pondered the 2017 annual mutual theme, I was reading a talk given in our last worldwide General Conference by Elder David A. Bednar where he spoke about coming to know the Savior by experimenting on His teachings. This idea struck me as exactly what our Young Women needed this year, in addition to asking questions, encouraging the girls to take steps to find answers and discover for themselves what they believe. Experiment on His Teachings became our theme, and we loved running with it. The front table was covered everything science-y that the Young Women's leaders could find in our homes - a caliper, a microscope, test tubes, a mortar and pestle, books, etc. At the end of the event, I talked with the Young Women about the components of an experiment, and how they can find faith experiments in their Personal Progress books. We also sent them home with a seed kit, so the girls could watch their plant grow as they consider how they can nourish and grow their testimonies of Jesus Christ.

After the activity was over, rather than venturing out to consume the offered refreshments, the Young Women gathered around the front table and started to experiment with measuring devices and liquids in test tubes. For many reasons, it makes my heart happy that they find joy in learning and science. As the girls were mixing colored water to get their desired shade, one of the mom's came up to me and shared that she had once read a magazine article or BYU devotional address that had discussed how to properly set-up a faith experiment, or the idea that an experiment's conclusion is dependent on how the test was devised and measured. Though this parent couldn't remember all the details, I was intrigued.

The next morning I went to BYU Speeches, where they have an archive of devotional and symposium talks, and did a quick search for "experiment". I can't say for sure that this speech by Jennifer Nielson was the same one previously read by that parent, but I loved Sister Nielson's research examples and connection to our life trials.

"I learned that experiments help us gain truth, that we can become stronger from struggles, that meaningful results require a lot of time and effort, and that working with others is essential. I believe that life experiences, which we might also call experiments, are meant to enable us to grow and become Christlike...

Even if [our trial] is a hard experience, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to live and experiment...

A person with the growth mind-set sees mistakes and failures as data points that can be used... to update prior knowledge in order to improve."

 -Jennifer Nielson

Passing this on to you, as I feel that this speech is a worthwhile read for anyone interested in self-concept, or anyone wishing to conduct their own faith experiments.

A Thought Provoking Sunday

This Sunday we had a really uplifting church service. If you've never been to a sacrament meeting with a congregation of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), you should add it to your bucket list. The talks given by members after the sacrament was passed were so brave and honest. Then Scott and I went to a teacher's council meeting where we discussed ideas on how to improve challenges extended to class members that are open and allow for agency and varying spiritual progression. The Relief Society lesson talked about charity and how we can show more love to our neighbor. Then that night we attended a special meeting where they announced that our ward boundaries were shifting slightly and a few families would now be attending another ward, including the presidents of three of our ward auxiliaries. A lot to ponder!

One of the sisters that I serve(d) with in the Relief Society presidency gave a talk on Sunday that truly moved me. She began her talk by saying, "How many of us would love to be able to have a magic wand that we could wave like Harry Potter to give us all of our righteous desires? ... Three years ago I had the privilege to hear Elder Oaks from this very pulpit. I have not forgotten one of the things he told us. He said, 'We are children of a God. We have a heavenly father and mother. He reminded us to have hope. You cannot have everything you desire in mortality, but you can have everything you desire in the eternity. But you must desire it more than your desires of the world. We have the capacity to become whatever we desire in all eternity.'" This sister reminded us that the purpose of this life is not to get everything we desire, which means that at times we won't be blessed with the righteous desires of our hearts.

She then shared some words from Elder Neal A. Maxwell in a talk given at our church's General Conference in April 2000.  He admonished us in that conference to be content and find purpose in the space allotted to us in life. That's not to say we should stop progressing, stretching, and striving for something more, but rather that we should, as he put it, "do what we can within our allotted 'acreage,' while still using whatever stretch there may be in any tethers."

Elder Maxwell went on to say, "The Lord knows our circumstances and the intents of our hearts, and surely the talents and gifts He has given us. He is able to gauge perfectly how we have performed within what is allotted to us, including by lifting up some of the many surrounding hands that hang down. Thus, yearning for expanded opportunities while failing to use those at hand is bad form spiritually."

I needed to hear that, and I know others felt the same words applied to their current prayers. I know that Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy, but that doesn't mean he's going to give us answers in the way we expected. It was clear from the messages this Sunday that I need to be more observant to see the opportunities at hand that might still accomplish my righteous desires.

In the Head of An Average Accompanist

Yesterday I accompanied my friend Amy and her sisters as they sang a special musical number at church. Amy and sisters grew up doing musical theater, so their voices were divine and a treat to hear! Her sisters came into town Saturday evening, and we had 90 minutes to practice the song together at the church building Saturday night and 15 minutes to practice the song on Sunday morning. I had received the sheet music on Friday, but since I don't have room for a piano in my apartment, I just reviewed the sheet music to make sure it would be simple enough to accompany with very little practice time. It looked good - one key change from B flat to C. Seemed like something I could pretty much sight read, which is the only way I could be successful with less than two hours of practice.

I love accompanying on the piano, but I've never been a great performer. Acting, tests, music, make me so nervous, I get in my own head just worrying about what might happen. Before show time I review the material frequently, focusing on the parts I've messed up on before, thinking that perhaps if I focus on it for a few seconds I might be able to fix it when I'm nervous on stage. This usually goes against me, because I'll be playing the song and think to myself "Ooh! I played that part really well just now and totally synced with the singers." BLAMMO! Mistake! Right after I thought how great I was doing, probably because I was thinking about it and not letting the music just happen.

So when I accompany anyone on the piano, I like to have the music pretty well down so that my hands can do the work on their own, despite whatever anxiety or self-congratulations are happening in my mind.

I didn't have enough time to get the music into my hands for yesterdays performance. *insert wide eyes emoji face*

We arrived at church on Saturday night, and I had trouble catching on to the sharps and flats thrown into the music, and at times my hands felt like they were abnormally stretched. By the end of the practice session I felt like I had played the all parts of the piece right at some point, just not straight through. So theoretically, I thought, it must be possible for me to play the whole song, every note, perfectly.

Sunday morning I prayed for divine assistance to help my hands play as best as possible, considering the short time frame to practice, because this special musical number wasn't about me - it was about the spirit those sisters could bring to the meeting with their incredible voices. I went early to church and sat down at the piano. Sleep is magic for the brain and performance. I played it better the first time, just sitting down to the piano Sunday morning, than I had any time the night before. But as I practiced parts where I was nervous about the fingering or sharps and flats, I started making mistakes and getting in my own head.

Deep breaths. It's not about me. That's what I was telling myself when we got up on the stand when it was time for our special musical number. Then my right foot started shaking uncontrolably. It's rare for this to happen any more. It used to happen when I first started accompanying choirs in middle school, but as I grew in music I knew how to prepare myself and detach myself from the performance so my nervousness wouldn't become physical (shaking hands and feet). Having a shaking foot might not be so bad, except that it was my right foot that I put on the sustaining pedal. My bouncing foot was literally shaking the piano.

I started playing, but my brain was on my foot. Take a deep breath. Maybe if I breathe and become calm it will stop shaking. Nope! Maybe as I get farther into the song I will become more comfortable and recognize that the song is so close to finishing that my foot will stop shaking. Nope! Violent shaking until the very end of the song.

But what was incredible was that I made very few mistakes with my hands. The piano sounded as good as it possibly could have sounded with only two hours of practice. I was able to roll through the mistakes I did make, with my hands finding the next note. This is seriously a miracle, because the whole time my brain was in two places - looking at the sheet music for notes, and looking at the sheet music flap around because my foot was dancing on the pedals while physically trying so hard to tense up or relax to lessen the shaking.

As soon as I stood up from the piano and started walking, of course my foot stopped shaking. It didn't even shake when I sat down in the pew next to Scott to listen to the rest of the meeting

That was an answer to prayer, I thought to myself. I can't say whether I played better because my mind was on my foot instead of looping worry or if I played better because I was blessed with a capacity beyond my own in a moment of physical weakness. Either way I see it as an answer to my prayer to be able to play beyond my abilities because I knew I didn't have enough practice to give the accompanyment justice on my own.

Its certainly not the answer I had imagined. I imagined a practically perfect performance coming through my hands with no other complications. If I had received this type of answer, I don't think I would have felt so humbled after our performance. Instead I might have thought about what a great sight reader I've become.

This was a good reminder to me, as I was fasting and thinking about our fertility journey, that prayers are not always answered exactly in the way that I might expect, but that a loving Heavenly Father does answer prayers in a way that will teach and humble me.

Dreams Do Come True

Remember when I said I was dreaming of the day when I could wake up at my convenience, walk a few feet, and work from home? By a series of miraculous events, that day has come.

Let's rewind a bit.

Scott started working at the hospital in June, when he had a series of orientation meetings including an HR presentation on benefits. It was then that we made plans for me to transition off COBRA and begin using his insurance. In mid-July we found out that because of a technical error, I was kicked off the insurance plan, and we would have to appeal for me to use Scott's benefits before the next open enrollment period. Inconvenient for sure, but I wasn't worried because Scott made it sound like the appeal was no big deal.

In the meantime, I started casually looking at potential jobs. After working at the foundation in Oregon, I knew I wanted to continue working for non-profits. (Scott's cousin asked me the other day if I had something against profit. Ha! I prefer to say that I put greater value on selfless missions and forced efficiencies. Not to mention there's a huge need for business skills in non-profit organizations.) All of the fun non-profit jobs are in downtown Milwaukee, which is more of a drive than I wanted to make... especially when you consider that my dream was to work in my living room.

Then I found it! A perfect match of a job, working form home full-time for a charity federation. I applied, and when I interviewed they told me that just that morning the job had been offered to someone in-house, but they would still like to interview me for a part-time role with the potential to move into full-time this winter.

A couple weeks later I was offered the part-time job. It was just after I found out that our insurance claim had been denied. Say what?!

I scrambled trying to figure out how to get an insurance plan. I tried everything and learned that even though there is this fancy new national health insurance market, pre-existing conditions still matter and you can't just buy insurance whenever you need it.

I know, insurance talk is boring. Fast forward to the good part.

The day arrived when it was the last possible moment I could get an insurance plan without an open enrollment period. I made one last ditch effort to get a plan and called a local broker. He told me, in blunt terms, that I had run out of options. I cried. But I also knew I could make due. I would shut myself up in my bedroom and try my best not to get sick or break a bone.

Not one hour later my job called me. My full-time job opened up months before they expected, and they were offering me a full-time gig - working from home - with full benefits!

Can you say tender mercy? I can.

Now I wake up in the morning, walk over to my second bedroom a.k.a. the office, put on my snuggie and get to work. It feels good, just in case you were wondering.

Tender Mercies in Medical School

We are active members of the Mormon faith. Our beliefs are so much a part of who we are and what we do, including our time in medical school. So I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the many tender mercies that we had these last four years. Prepare yourself for a doozy of a post!

1. Being Accepted to Medical School: The process was a minor trial for Scott and I, though we felt the Lord's hand in the entire process. The second time around we spent a lot of time talking about where he may want to go to school and what he could do in the year he had been given to improve his chances. Heavenly Father buoyed us up when we were feeling pretty low. What a blessing it was that Scott was able to improve his grades, MCAT score, and gain more volunteer hours. These improvements spurred two school interviews and acceptances.

2. Oregon: In the application process, we had poured over the application time and again looking for schools to add or making edits in essays. I distinctly remember Scott calling me from a boy scout overnight he was chaperoning to ask if I would finally submit the application. On the phone, I reviewed with him the schools where we had selected to apply. Then, though I had never seen the option before, Western University's brand new Oregon campus appeared on the application list of schools. I asked Scott on the phone if he wanted to add it, and we did, knowing that he had family nearby. Little did we know that shortly after moving to Oregon, my parents would move to the state, as well!

I've talked quite a bit with my fellow med student wives about our choices to come to COMP-NW. To be honest, there were times in the last four years that we were jealous of the customer service, curriculum, resources, or prestige of other schools. However, we all had stories of prayerful consideration and an impression that Oregon was where we needed to be. Education aside, we have most definitely benefited from the supportive community of Lebanon, bountiful resources of Oregon (oh, the berries!), proximity to family, and the amazing circle of friends we made!

3. ISAC and Teaching Assistant: One of the main reasons Scott selected to attend Western University was because of their Intensive Summer Anatomy Course that allowed students to take their first anatomy course in the summer as a stand alone class and prepared them to be Teaching Assistants in the lab. Scott was lucky enough to be accepted into this elite group of students. It allowed him to complete one of the hardest first year courses before he had even begun school. As a TA, he became fast friends with his classmates and had the opportunity to solidify what he'd learned in the months before. This emphasis on anatomy helped Scott to do well in all of his courses during the first two years, not to mention all of the times he was questioned by physicians in the operating room.

4. My Job: Getting a job in Lebanon is no simple task, though with a brand new school opening up in Lebanon, you would think otherwise. The community has grown quite a bit since the medical school campus was built, but there are still very few professional jobs open, much less jobs that might actually progress my career. We decided to move to Lebanon three months before school started, since I otherwise would have had to move to Oregon without Scott since he was attending the summer anatomy course in California. Another reason for the early move was to give me a head start on the job hunt. I spent a couple months hanging out in Lebanon, applying for jobs of interest, and exploring the area.

One month after I was settled, two part-time jobs opened, one each at two different non-profit organizations in the area. I applied and was asked to interview for both. Then my then future employer contacted me and asked me if I would be interested in interviewing for a full-time job instead. After several interviews, I was offered the full-time position.

Since graduating from BYU-Idaho, I have enjoyed the jobs I've worked at and have had wonderful working relationships with colleagues. I have also felt, throughout my career, that something was missing - I needed to find some greater purpose at work. This position that I have held during the last four years of medical school has been the best job I have ever held. I have loved my experience at the foundation and have been supported in my professional development by wonderful supervisors and colleagues. It was an incredible blessing for me to be offered a position with the foundation, and then after demonstrating that I could do great work, I was continually blessed with more learning opportunities. On top of that, the job offered wonderful benefits, and I was able to help other med student wives to find positions at the organization. It was truly a privilege to work with my colleagues at the foundation.

5. My MBA: One of the amazing benefits offered at my job was tuition assistance. Before we began this medical school journey, I had started taking class towards my MBA through UMass Amherst's online program. My job allowed me to take classes, for a very small fee per unit, through Oregon State University. It was initially a tough decision to transfer credits, not knowing if I would be able to stay in Corvallis long enough to complete the OSU MBA program. After transferring credits to OSU, I took night classes while working full-time and finished the OSU program in three years. Going to school kept me very busy while Scott was preoccupied with school and away on rotations.

6. Boards: The pressure was mounting for Scott as he prepared for his boards following Year 2. A competitive score on the COMLEX Level 1 and/or USMLE Step 1 are a key component to securing an interview with competitive residencies. We were blessed to have resources for Scott to orchestrate his intensive studying regiment. I was grateful that Scott could do all of his studying at home so I could see him (though, not talk to him) during that time.  We both fasted and prayed that he would pass his board exams and if it synced with God's plan for us, that Scott could also perform well.

One of the two board scores came back, and while he had passed, it was not the number he was hoping to see. For a few days Scott moped around, saying that he would have to be a penguin doctor in Antarctica. I reassured him that his scores could never be that bad, and we spent some time researching what the average board scores were for various specialties. I found that while his one board score was lower than expected, Scott would still have a chance to interview for dream specialties, knowing that no matter where he interviewed his character and work ethic would help him stand out. Then we received Scott's second score, which was above average, helping to boost his ego back to normal. I most definitely contribute these gains to our fast and tithes, and we've since decided that Heavenly Father wanted to send a little reminder to Scott that he needed to be open to all medical specialties.

7. Third Year Rotation Electives: When we selected our home base and Scott's rotation schedule for Year 3, I asked him to select a rotation schedule that allowed for him to vacation around my birthday, since I planned a fantastic cruise to celebrate. We ignored the timing of electives during his third year, or naively thought that having electives early in the academic year would help Scott to make better, earlier career decisions. We had no idea that because the campus was new and rotations now had to accommodate a larger number of students that Scott's requests for electives would be pushed off. Scott was left to arrange electives outside of the approved system, which required 90 days of paperwork. Scott was extremely fortunate to arrange with a family medicine physician in Medford to rotate as an elective and a family medicine/sports medicine physician in Portland. An extra cool blessing came when Scott was able to negotiate with the school to count one of these rotations as his family medicine rotation in order to have an additional elective later in Year 3, giving him more career options to consider.

8. Audition Rotations: At Western University, the students are required to set up all their rotations for Year 4 and not much instruction or assistance is given to help them accomplish this major feat. Scott and I had started talking about audition rotations and the required school core rotations during March prior to fourth year. Scott made some calls with potential residency programs, but many didn't have their visiting student applications available until later in the spring. Scott was so busy with rotations and board prep, that he dedicated very little time to the scheduling of his fourth year rotations... especially since scheduling had to happen during normal business hours when Scott was likely at the hospital with patients.

So when the summer came, Scott had communicated with many audition sites, but hadn't finalized all the audition rotations that he needed. He was frustrated that residency sites were difficult to schedule and didn't follow the schedule he had in his mind. More than that he was incredibly frustrated that the school was little help during that time.

His first rotation hadn't been scheduled when Scott spoke with one of his classmates about two residency sites in Utah that sounded perfect for Scott. I had researched and provided information on many residencies for Scott to consider, but I had failed to include those two residencies. Scott quickly called both residencies and by miracle and divine intervention, he was able to schedule one for his first audition in a matter of two weeks! Not only was his first audition rotation a miracle, scheduling wise, it became one of his favorite auditions of the year and prepared him to consider what he would like best in a residency.

9. The Match: I've said it before, and I'll say it again - we were incredibly blessed to land the residency we did. When applying for residencies, we prayed that we would be aware of the residencies to which Scott should apply. During audition rotations and interviews, Scott received great feedback on his potential to match. On Match Day I was telling people that I was 98% sure that Scott would match with one of his top choices; but he didn't, and we went through the emotional process of scrambling for his residency. Since residencies haven't started yet, I can't say that we scrambled into the perfect match for Scott, but it sure feels like it - family medicine, sports medicine in the curriculum, dually accredited, OMT training! We feel optimistic about the opportunities awaiting us in Wisconsin; and though we would have preferred to be spared the trial of scrambling, we feel the results were brought to us by divine design.


We are humbled and grateful to have had these experiences. They have reminded Scott and I that we should always prioritize the Lord and put our trust in His plan for us.

Influence of Faith

After watching General Conference this last weekend, Scott and I went over to visit with friends for dinner and games. While we were playing the card game, Compatibility, the topic of faith and religion came up. Our friends are faithful members of another church and had heard rumors about our beliefs that they wanted to clarify. I was really grateful that we could have a non-contentious discussion about faith with our friends. We both came to the table with general curiosity and respect for the other couple's faith and values.

When I was younger, I was very shy about sharing my religion. Growing up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I was familiar with being peculiar for my faith and standards. I love my religion, and it has had a major influence on my character and who I've become. I was too shy to share with anyone, because I felt that a negative comment against my faith would be like a friend rejecting me as a person. Once, when I was in high school, I got so worked up just to share a book with a friend called What Mormon's Believe. I didn't have the courage to share my testimony, though I felt like I should do something. So I gave my friend a book I hadn't even read before, hoping it would explain my religion in better terms than I could on my own. This story shows a whole other side of my peculiarity... the awkward teenager kind.

Thankfully I feel more comfortable in my testimony now that answering questions from curious friends doesn't feel like the inquisition. In fact, I would prefer for friends to ask me questions than to rely on assumptions or rumors.

In a world of declining values and faith, I am extremely grateful for the example and courage of friends who incorporate faith in their families. How has faith influenced your life?

Checking Up on The Hubby

This last weekend I drove to Newport, Oregon to visit Scott. He just began his first rotation at the OBGYN clinic at the Samaritan Hospital. His first week included a lot of uteri and observation. So no med school update as of yet, except to say that he is learning beaucoup! Scott asked if I would come visit him and it seemed like the best timing, considering his next rotation on the coast wont be until the winter. Little did I know that I was also beating the 90 degree heat in Lebanon, in exchange for the comfortable 75 and breezy beaches of Newport. A fair exchange!

Scott had asked around at the hospital for local suggestions before I had arrived. He had our whole day planned out. First we would go to lunch at a local hot spot. All the tourists go to Mo's, he was told. Instead he was directed to a restaurant with Ocean in the name... except he forgot the rest of the name and we were on the coast. There were a number of restaurants with ocean as part of the name. When we walked down to the historic Newport boardwalk, we picked the restaurant with Ocean in the title that sounded most familiar to Scott. Lunch was good. Come to find out later, we had chosen the wrong ocean restaurant! So I will have to go back another time to blog about the local favorite.

It was Scott's idea to close the day with a tour, including the hospital he was rotating through and a walk to the beach with the puppies at his host home. I was surprised how much I loved hearing Scott talk about the clinic and all the tools he was using. Usually when he tries to tell me about medicine, it either grosses me out or more likely bores me to day dreaming. It was fun to see him so excited about what he's learning with this hands-on part of medical school. Scott looks at the schedule the day before to see what he needs to study at night in preparation for his visit. I'm sure this will help him make a good impression with his preceptors and patients.

On Sunday, we went to church in Newport. There is only one ward in Newport (other wards and buildings along the coast), and it is part of the Corvallis stake. It was the first time I remember being in sacrament meeting and there was no bread to break and bless. The presiding counselor stood up and announced that the bread they had in the building was rather inedible and we would sing and listen to hymns until new bread arrived. We heard a boy behind us ask his parents, "How is bread inedible?" The ward was really welcoming, even though we were among many visitors. We were told there were a few members working at the hospital, so Scott may have more connections there than he knows.

It was a great trip, well planned by Scott! Because we hadn't seen each other for a week, it felt a little bit like we were dating again. Fun, but I'm anxious to have my hubby home again.

Med School Update: Step 1 Prep

If you've found yourself thinking recently, "I wonder what Scott is doing..." keep this picture in your mind.

This needs to be documented. I really didn't think it was possible, but Scott is indeed studying more for his board exams that he ever did for each of his courses. Scott likes to say this emphatically, mentioning that he also thinks he's learning more through board study than he ever did in his classes. I'm not sure that is the best addition to that sentence.

Board exams are crucial (though I generally like to downplay this fact when I'm talking to Scott so as not to amplify the pressure)! Osteopathic medical students typically take two different board exams between their second and third years, the USMLE Step 1 and COMLEX Level 1. Students must pass the board exam in order to move on to clinical rotations with hospitals and clinics. Even more than that, these first board exams will determine your residency options (insert pressure here). This first board exam score is one of the largest factors that residencies consider, even more so than grades from the first two years or your second boards taken after the third year.

So this relaxed image of Scott with his computer, study guides, and snack of choice really isn't unusual for the month of May. In fact, he posted this picture to his Facebook and he received comments from student friends like, "That's me, except with a bag of milano cookies." Here are some board exam resources we are aware of:

• Doctors In Training (DIT)- a scheduled study course that Scott purchased in order to improve exam scores. Scott bases his whole day off what DIT recommends he review that day.
• USMLE World Step 1 QBank- a question bank that was provided by Western University COMP-NW to Scott and all of it's students
• Acland's Anatomy- a series of videos that review human anatomy and function
• Pathoma- an online video subscription discussing pathology
• Kaplan Step 1 course- Western University COMP-NW purchased the microbiology and pharm sections of this course for their students
• Picmonic- Scott purchased temporary access to this tool of lovely mnemonics that help med students remember diseases by way of their photographic memories
• Study with Substance P- audio files created by a now resident describing what is important to know for Step 1

That said, here is a day in the life of Scott from May until the end of June when rotations begin (excluding Sundays):

7:30 Am     Wake up and take USMLE World quiz, 25 questions
8:30 Am     Eat breakfast while watching hours of DIT videos
12:30 Pm   Eat lunch and take another USMLE World quiz over DIT subject matter
2:15 Pm     Go to the gym during PTI (SportsCenter, of course), with study resource for multi-tasking
3:00 Pm     Observe and Serve (Scott insisted I include his daily act of service for me. Today=dishes)
3:30 Pm     Hours and hours of videos, trying to break up the monotony, but continuing on one system
6:00 Pm     Katie time eating dinner, playing Ticket to Ride on the iPad, and reading scriptures
8:00 Pm     Picmonic study
10:00 Pm   Kaplan videos to review microbiology and make flashcards, until he's too tired to see


Method to determine the effectiveness of Scott's schedule - test scores. COMP NW hosted a practice exam on Tuesday this week and Scott more than passed. A nice feeling, for sure! We will be sure to update when exams and subsequent celebrations are over.

Our Home is a Venn Diagram

Scott gave a talk in church yesterday. He was asked to speak on how we can have more Christ-centered homes, based on the talk given by Elder Richard G. Scott in general conference this April. Scott said the first thing he thought of when remembering Elder Scott's talk was his quote on our use of technology. Elder Scott said, "Be wise in how you embrace technology. Mark important scriptures on your device and refer back to them frequently. If you young people would review a verse of scripture as often as some of you send text messages, you could soon have hundreds of passages of scripture memorized."

I was in Medford when this talk was given during general conference. In his Sunday talk, Scott said that when Elder Scott said this, Scott thought to text me "Seriously! Those young people never get off their phones. :) #distracted #whenwilltheylearn LOL"

He didn't send that message, though, before I sent him one that said, "He's talking about you."

That last part is true. I sometimes remind Scott that he needs to disconnect himself.

Scott talked about how some homes are named, like Downton Abbey. He didn't use that example, actually, but he should have. Scott asked the congregation to think about what their homes would be called if the name was a reference to it's function. I said our home would be Venn Diagram, because it is our only common space during medical school.

As Scott was preparing his talk, I suggested to Scott that he read slowly Elder Scott's suggestions for how improve our homes. It was a long list and it would be difficult to understand and apply if Scott read it quickly. Scott said, "Actually, I was thinking I would just read it twice."

Then he started to sing, to the tune of Santa Clause is Coming to Town... "Reading the list. Reading it twice. Gonna find out who's listening or not."

When it came down to it, Scott only read the list once during his talk. I thought he did really well.

Merry Christmas!

May your Christmas be filled with joy, peace, and beautiful holiday music!
Love,
Scott and Katie Chandler