09 November 2018

No Other Way

Last year, around this time, I had a series of appointments with a gastroenterologist. Though I had few Crohn's symptoms, I knew that underlying inflammation was potentially my only other explanation for recurrent miscarriages since all other tests had come back normal. During one visit my GI told me something I didn't want to hear - that because my disease manifests with stricturing, it is classified as moderate to severe. To say that I was not happy to receive this categorization is an understatement. I've never had other severe Crohn's symptoms, but as a "severe" Crohnie I was left with only one standard treatment option (an option that isn't without it's risks).

Around the same time that I received this news from the GI,  I attended a stake conference at church and heard from a stake presidency member who was moving and being released from his calling. As he spoke to the congregation, he relayed the story of his family's decision to move. Among the choices they had, there wasn't an obvious right answer. So they went to the temple. After attending the temple and hearing the words of the ordinances there, they felt like there was no other way for them to get through this trial except to make a difficult choice. As he described the peace that eventually came after the decision was made, I felt an impression that there was no other way for me either. 

{insert wailing emoji}

It wasn't a peaceful revelation, like I'm used to feeling. I cried, and subsequent prayers didn't lead to a reassuring confirmation that I should start this new treatment.

Upset at being cornered without options and feeling like I hadn't been heard, I stopped seeing that GI in Wisconsin (not the most mature move on my part) and begged my primary care to help me find other treatments. While my PC helped me find other options that lessened my already low symptoms, I continued to experience infertility and lab results reveled that inflammation was still present in my gut.

Beacon Rock and our emotions at the summit
Which brings me to today. Today I start that new risky treatment. 

New home. New doc who I trust... but who gave me the same categorization and singular treatment option as before. 

Of course, my memory of the stake conference impression emerged. I'm devastated by my lack of options, the presence of risk and the potential for a lifetime of infusions or injections.
 surprisingly I feel like I'm at a place now where I'm able to move forward with this plan. I can't say now whether this is the only way for me to overcome inflammation and potentially stay pregnant, or if I need to step through this option in order to find others; but I'm trying to trust that God hears my concerns and is going to lead me to the next, better step, whatever that may be.