31 July 2008

The Dangers of Costco

I almost died in the Costco parking lot today!

That wasn't what you expected, huh? I imagine that when most of you read the title of the blog you thought, "Heck, yes! I hate going to Costco. It's SO dangerous! Every time I go, I buy stuff in bulk that I really would only want in a smaller quantity. Yet I justify getting more because it's wholesale." Okay, maybe I'm the only one who buys unneeded items at Costco.

But the OTHER reason why Costco is dangerous is because the people who go there are in The Modern Rutt, as I like to call it: they want to pay less for more, they want food to be ready to eat faster, and they don't want to take the time to exercise off the extra calories, so they're either obese or they buy bulk Hoodia pills at Costco. (P.S. I don't recommend looking up obese in google. It's not a pretty picture.)

Back to the point... me! For lunch today I decided to go to Costco because I needed gas in my Toyota Matrix. When I arrived at the Costco gas pump, there weren't many cars in line. I sat idle in the back of the gas area for a bit trying to remember on which side of the car my gas tank was located, when I noticed in my peripheral vision, a large blue mini-van (also typical of Costco) backing up at a speed of about 20mph.

Uh, a little fast for a parking lot Sir/Ma'am! The car was swerving right and left in my direction. I remained in the back of the gas area watching, thinking to myself, "The driver of the mini-van is probably tired of waiting two minutes for that particular two-sided gas pump. Even though all queues are the same length, said driver will probably back up half way into the gas area, since that is how far they would need to back up to get into a new line."

In the amount of time it took me to think this long, but very insightful thought, the car continued to swerve at intense speeds in my direction, NOT stopping half way. Only feet from my car did I recognize this and start to scream. He was definitely not stopping half way. He wanted to come all the way to the back of the parking lot and stop in my driver's-side door.

Now this is going to sound very much like Seriously, So Blessed; but I swear it was only by divine intervention that I was able to stop screaming and honk the horn. Milliseconds after I honked, the minivan was able to halt to a complete stop.... INCHES away from crashing in my driver's-side window. Though there was no damage, let's just say that I was more than grateful that my parents insisted that I have side air-bags when I purchased my first car.

Hyperventilating, I stayed idle in the back of the gas area to regain composure before even thinking about my original task of remembering on which side of my car the gas tank was located. Meanwhile, Mr. Minivan sped his modern-self to a new, shorter line. When I finally had enough strength to put my hand on the steering wheel and press lightly on the gas pedal to bring myself up to the adjacent gas pump, Mr. Minivan came jogging over from his place.

"I'm so glad you honked the horn!" Me too, Mr. Minivan... ... He continued, "I looked back in my rear view mirror and there was nothing back there." That's because you're driving a minivan.

My new cousin-in-law Kyle says that Costco gas causes more maintenance issues in cars than other gas brands. While I'm still waiting for the stats report on that rumor, I'm starting to believe that Costco fuel does add to the danger of store.

P.P.S. Happy 2 Month anniversary to us!